It's been a long long time since I've last posted. Many things have happened, and it's crazy to think about.
It's actually one year ago tomorrowthe 15th, regardless it has been quite the year. That day I went to the gym, stopped at the library on the way home to do some homework, and then I came home to take a nap. I talked to my friend rat (Jillian) on the phone and she said, "I don't think I'm going to be able to come out because the weather is supposed to get worse later and my parents don't want me on the road driving." So I said ugh okay, well call me if anything changes. About an hour or so later around 3:00 rat called me back and said that it was okay if she drove to the movies and right back. We made plans to meet at the movies for 5:00.
That's all I remember. Well I remember us calling eachother figuring out what the other was wearing, but that is the end of my memory of that day.
I can't believe it has been a year. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years with my family. This year on those holidays it is going to be the best time after all we have been and fought through together.
This year on my birthday (which is in October) it was an emotional day. When we were singing "happy birthday," and when I was opening my presents my parents were tearing up. I knew that they were just overwhelmed. My Mom said that they didn't know if I would celebrate another birthday. That scared me.
So many things before my accident didn't phase me nearly as strongly as they do now. For example. driving, school, friendship, and many more. Those things have changed so much for me. Now that I am back to driving it's a smile of relief every time I get into the drivers seat. I drive along, still smiling and don't care about the fact that people who drive past me look at me like I'm a weirdo. I think to myself, "they don't know shit about what I've been though."
School. Oh to be in school I want to be in school so badly. But the day I got the results of the nuero-psych evaluation test the doctor told me that if I was back in school, she is afraid I would fail and not be happy. She also said that it's a good thing I'm so high-strong. Some people she said, we have to push them along, but we're pulling you back.
That is good and bad. Thanks to people like her, and so many others who work in the recovery department of health, I haven't gotten too far ahead of myself because of their warnings that I could be very dissapointed if I did this or that.
I'm kind of glad I've gone through this. It taught me so many things. The love and dependence of friendship, family, and the grace of God and to never give up. I've learned so much, but in a much stronger sense then I did as I was growing up. This time though, it means something. I understand every lesson, every punishment, every thing I didn't want to hear as a teenager, and every cry for help.
Please continue to pray for me, I need your prayers so I keep getting better and better, and also please pray for every person who was hurt by all the bad stories you see on the news. The soldiers need our prayers and our love, so that more don't give up.
I'll post soon, I promise.
hehe :)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Mom's Update
It's been a long time since I've typed the words in the title line.
Today marks one year since Courtney's accident. It was a day just like today, rainy and windy. Courtney spent that day working out, doing homework, and preparing for the all important Saturday night of a college student.
At 4:30 that afternoon she texted her friend Jill to tell her what she was wearing and that she was leaving her house. Minutes later her life would change forever.
From the night of the accident I knew that Courtney's determination could make the difference between life and death; coma and consciousness; independence and disability. As her mother I know that Courtney's stubbornness can be a blessing and a curse at once. And I knew that if she gave up at anytime it would be disastrous.
These days Courtney reflects on her accident and the past year's road to recovery. It is an emotional rollercoaster for her.
When she hears stories of less fortunate people it frightens her. Like the teenager who suffered a TBI playing football and 3 years later is just learning to walk -"why am I like this and he's like that?"
Or the 135 soldiers of the US Army who have committed suicide this year alone. "Why did they give up?" "I could have given up."
I don't have answers to these questions. Or other questions like "Why did this happen to me?" "Why am I like this?"
In Courtney's words "my accident haunts me", "it terrorizes me", "it makes me afraid of everything."
As her mother all I can do is hold Courtney and provide reassurance that the strong feelings of fear she has today will pass. But it's Courtney's courage and determination that keep her going.
At the same time she's afraid she's also said "If I could turn back the hands of time, I wouldn't take my accident away. It's brought so many people to God and to believe in the power of prayer."
She often says "It's because of the prayers of people like you, and so many others I don't even know, that I am where I am today."
God has blessed Courtney with an abundance of determination, persistence, courage and a great big heart under a tough exterior! It's these qualities and God's grace that have helped Courtney along the road of the last year. So today I'd like to share some her accomplishments during these past months:
February 13th We arrive home. Courtney's cognitive and emotional functioning fall between that of a 2 and 4 year old. I read to her each night from books like "Good Night Moon"
She still knows how to make pancakes but can't be trusted getting in and out of the car alone. We can't let her wander off in a store and never leave her home alone.
March 20 We celebrate "Christmas plus 87 days" with family and friends - to many to fit in the house. Thank God it's sunny (but cool) outside as everyone spills out into the yard.
We are frustrated at trying to find the right fit for Courtney for physical, speech and occupational therapy. She's surpassed what in-home therapy can provide but we're not happy with any programs we've looked at.
We purchase books from a learning store at the 1st and 2nd grade level.
Courtney is doing math, vocabulary and reading every day 15 minutes at a time. Her attention span doesn't allow for more.
April - Easter and we've finally found solutions for therapy. It's not integrated, rather messy but everyone is devoted to helping Courtney. She begins PT at Elite; OT and Speech at St. Joe's in Providence. Courtney is now cognitively and emotionally roughly 8 years old.
She is reading to me at night; working for up to 30 minutes at a time in school books and re-learning to ride her bike.
These first few months home were the best emotionally. Courtney has truly been reborn. She loves everything about life! Being with her is a high! "Ooooh I love tootsie pops!"
"Ooooh I love hoola hoops!" "Ooooh I love ...........everything!"
It was a joyous time that was, in hinesight, another gift from God. A breath - a filling up of the well before taking on the next tough battle in the war on TBI.
May comes and Courtney has moved up emotionally and cognitively to 10-12. She begins to gain insight into her situation; she understands that her friends have moved on with her lives but she has not. She's frustrated, sad, angry but lacks the emotional maturity to express it.
Once again Courtney is trapped inside herself - but this time it is a conscious, emotional entrapment that is torterous to watch.
She continues her therapy and has excelled at PT. Courtney and the occupational therapist do NOT hit it off! She lacks empathy and is condescending to Courtney. Big mistake!!!! It's not long before we realize that this 30 minutes a day is a waste of time. We abandon OT and focus solely on Speech.
Pat, Courtney's speech therapist is terrific. She gets Courtney!
Courtney spends her day with Maria who shuttles Courtney from appointment to appointment. Maria spends 5 days a week with Courtney - it's a tall order but Maria takes on the challenge. There's no rule book on handling a person recovering from TBI. References, yes, but the experience is individual - you have to go with the flow and be able to react (and not react). Maria handles it like a pro and keeps Courtney on the right path.
June "When can I drive?" "I want to go to a party sooooo bad." "Why can't I just go out like all the other kids?"
Sound familiar? Guess where we are right now? Yup! We're living the teenage years again!
I must have done something really bad to deserve this!!!! If you think it's bad the first time around, imagine knowing what you're in for and living it again!
But seriously, at every bad moment over the past year, I think to myself "thank you God for sparing Courtney's life."
Courtney has by now graduated from PT and the work is ratcheting up at Speech. We begin to wonder whether she'll be ready for URI in the Fall. The baclofin pump is removed - thank God - just in time for bathing suit season. This was a serious concern for Courtney since the pump protruded from her stomach. "I can't wear a bikini like this!" That's fine I'm sure Daddy has a bathrobe he'd rather see you in!
July - More of the same....the teenage years drag on. Courtney is driving with me in the car only. It's like the permit phase again; I make a comment and she doesn't like it. I respond:
"Well if you don't want to listen then you won't be driving." The battle rages on.
Courtney goes back to work with South Kingstown Parks and recreation camp - this year as a volunteer - 3 days a week for half the day.
August - We're having lots of fun times with family and friends at the beach and on the boat.
We are very lucky and know it! Courtney's driving more and now the question is "when can I drive alone?" I think "when I'm dead and buried!"
We know now that Courtney won't be going back to URI in the Fall but are hopeful that she can audit a class in January. She is determined and her work ethic is serving her well.
There are many typical TBI issues: impulsiveness, inpatience, mood swings, confusion, short term memory loss, the list goes on.
September - Courtney is frustrated that everyone is back to school and she is not. She's truly depressed and wondering if she'll ever have her life back again. I pray every day, all day "please God don't let her give up." She's come so far. I tell Courtney "you cannot think for one moment about giving up. It would be a grave injustice to all those who prayed for you and worked with you to get this far."
Courtney prays fervently every day for strength. It's been a long road and our entire family is by now battle weary.
Craig and I have not had time together as a couple for almost a year now. It's not supposed to be this way at this time in our lives. This is supposed to be our time - but God has other plans. We battle on, hopeful that we will have the strength to finish this journey.
Courtney is now cognitively and emotionally 18 years old. She's almost there but there's a lot of work ahead.
October and Courtney's initiative and drive have taken over. She calls Mr. Cardi from LaSalle and asks him to sit in on his classroom so that she can practice being in class, taking notes, etc.
This is one of the areas of executive functioning that is causing Courtney trouble.
Courtney begins volunteering at CJCR, now Immaculate Conception Parish school.
The children of Grade 1 classroom and their teacher are very happy to have Courtney. She loves her time there and is great with the kids.
Courtney undergoes a 4 hour Neuropsychological evaluation to determine at what level she is functioning in many areas. While Courtney has made huge gains there are still some areas of significant deficits. She works every day to overcome these deficits and find ways to compensate.
November Courtney is working with Mr. Cardi from LSA on a presentation to his PoliSci class on her time at the Obama Campaign.
She's working with her Speech therapist on her first term paper and soon they'll begin work on her portfolio that will be submitted to URI's Elementary Education department for her application. We will meet this month with a Dean at URI to formulate a plan for Courtney's re-entry into college life. She will take a class in the Spring semester on an audit basis.
Courtney is driving herself! We've purchased an SUV that is as close to a Bradley tank as we can find! It's terribly nerve racking for Craig and I but Courtney feels a level of independence that's necessary for her continued recovery.
Courtney knows now that her friends can not begin to understand where she's at. She knows that kids her age take so much for granted. She also realizes that she will never be the same. Not just because of what she's been through - but that SHE is not the same. TBI changes people. She struggles to explain it "my intellect is not the same" she often says.
The good news is that the brain is very "plastic" meaning that areas of the brain can take over for other areas permanently damaged. The younger you are the most "plastic" your brain. Recovery from TBI can last for years - improvements can be seen up to 4-5 years following an injury. As far as Courtney has come, we expect her to make even more gains in the future.
Here we are, one year later, the events of the past 12 months can be overwhelming to reflect upon. Sometimes distance provides clarity and when I look back over the past year it's almost like having an outer body experience. I can vividly see the small room we sat in after first arriving at the hospital; the waiting rooms on the 4th and 5th floors at RIH. The view out the window of Courtney's room in the TICU. The rooms at Braintree. I can remember conversations as they happened as though I am floating above the participants, watching, rather than participating.
Words could never describe the pain and agony of the past year. The grief, sorrow, relief, happiness and overwhelming joy are as intense upon reflection as when they were happening.
Very often people have said "I don't know how you did it." Well I do. It was all of you - your prayers, your thoughts, your emails, texts, cards, and blog comments that carried us through this difficult time.
I believe that God called to you and you answered. He sent us many gifts. The blog among the greatest of those gifts. The blog gave us the ability to reach hundreds of people - to ask you all to join us in prayer.
Thank you for answering this call. Thank you for taking this journey with us and for your many prayers. Thank God too for all the blessings he bestows on us every day.
I humbly asked you to pray for Courtney one year ago. Today I humbly ask that you continue to keep her in your prayers and for another prayer request.
You see there are soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan who do not have family in the US to support them. There are so many, but I have the names of a few who could use your prayers. If you could see to including them in your prayers this holiday season I'm certain that God will protect them both in battle and when they arrive home. Here are their names:
Charles
Joseph
Neil
Michael
Robert
Danny
Larry
Dan
Carmen
Thank you again and God Bless to all of you!
Diane
Today marks one year since Courtney's accident. It was a day just like today, rainy and windy. Courtney spent that day working out, doing homework, and preparing for the all important Saturday night of a college student.
At 4:30 that afternoon she texted her friend Jill to tell her what she was wearing and that she was leaving her house. Minutes later her life would change forever.
From the night of the accident I knew that Courtney's determination could make the difference between life and death; coma and consciousness; independence and disability. As her mother I know that Courtney's stubbornness can be a blessing and a curse at once. And I knew that if she gave up at anytime it would be disastrous.
These days Courtney reflects on her accident and the past year's road to recovery. It is an emotional rollercoaster for her.
When she hears stories of less fortunate people it frightens her. Like the teenager who suffered a TBI playing football and 3 years later is just learning to walk -"why am I like this and he's like that?"
Or the 135 soldiers of the US Army who have committed suicide this year alone. "Why did they give up?" "I could have given up."
I don't have answers to these questions. Or other questions like "Why did this happen to me?" "Why am I like this?"
In Courtney's words "my accident haunts me", "it terrorizes me", "it makes me afraid of everything."
As her mother all I can do is hold Courtney and provide reassurance that the strong feelings of fear she has today will pass. But it's Courtney's courage and determination that keep her going.
At the same time she's afraid she's also said "If I could turn back the hands of time, I wouldn't take my accident away. It's brought so many people to God and to believe in the power of prayer."
She often says "It's because of the prayers of people like you, and so many others I don't even know, that I am where I am today."
God has blessed Courtney with an abundance of determination, persistence, courage and a great big heart under a tough exterior! It's these qualities and God's grace that have helped Courtney along the road of the last year. So today I'd like to share some her accomplishments during these past months:
February 13th We arrive home. Courtney's cognitive and emotional functioning fall between that of a 2 and 4 year old. I read to her each night from books like "Good Night Moon"
She still knows how to make pancakes but can't be trusted getting in and out of the car alone. We can't let her wander off in a store and never leave her home alone.
March 20 We celebrate "Christmas plus 87 days" with family and friends - to many to fit in the house. Thank God it's sunny (but cool) outside as everyone spills out into the yard.
We are frustrated at trying to find the right fit for Courtney for physical, speech and occupational therapy. She's surpassed what in-home therapy can provide but we're not happy with any programs we've looked at.
We purchase books from a learning store at the 1st and 2nd grade level.
Courtney is doing math, vocabulary and reading every day 15 minutes at a time. Her attention span doesn't allow for more.
April - Easter and we've finally found solutions for therapy. It's not integrated, rather messy but everyone is devoted to helping Courtney. She begins PT at Elite; OT and Speech at St. Joe's in Providence. Courtney is now cognitively and emotionally roughly 8 years old.
She is reading to me at night; working for up to 30 minutes at a time in school books and re-learning to ride her bike.
These first few months home were the best emotionally. Courtney has truly been reborn. She loves everything about life! Being with her is a high! "Ooooh I love tootsie pops!"
"Ooooh I love hoola hoops!" "Ooooh I love ...........everything!"
It was a joyous time that was, in hinesight, another gift from God. A breath - a filling up of the well before taking on the next tough battle in the war on TBI.
May comes and Courtney has moved up emotionally and cognitively to 10-12. She begins to gain insight into her situation; she understands that her friends have moved on with her lives but she has not. She's frustrated, sad, angry but lacks the emotional maturity to express it.
Once again Courtney is trapped inside herself - but this time it is a conscious, emotional entrapment that is torterous to watch.
She continues her therapy and has excelled at PT. Courtney and the occupational therapist do NOT hit it off! She lacks empathy and is condescending to Courtney. Big mistake!!!! It's not long before we realize that this 30 minutes a day is a waste of time. We abandon OT and focus solely on Speech.
Pat, Courtney's speech therapist is terrific. She gets Courtney!
Courtney spends her day with Maria who shuttles Courtney from appointment to appointment. Maria spends 5 days a week with Courtney - it's a tall order but Maria takes on the challenge. There's no rule book on handling a person recovering from TBI. References, yes, but the experience is individual - you have to go with the flow and be able to react (and not react). Maria handles it like a pro and keeps Courtney on the right path.
June "When can I drive?" "I want to go to a party sooooo bad." "Why can't I just go out like all the other kids?"
Sound familiar? Guess where we are right now? Yup! We're living the teenage years again!
I must have done something really bad to deserve this!!!! If you think it's bad the first time around, imagine knowing what you're in for and living it again!
But seriously, at every bad moment over the past year, I think to myself "thank you God for sparing Courtney's life."
Courtney has by now graduated from PT and the work is ratcheting up at Speech. We begin to wonder whether she'll be ready for URI in the Fall. The baclofin pump is removed - thank God - just in time for bathing suit season. This was a serious concern for Courtney since the pump protruded from her stomach. "I can't wear a bikini like this!" That's fine I'm sure Daddy has a bathrobe he'd rather see you in!
July - More of the same....the teenage years drag on. Courtney is driving with me in the car only. It's like the permit phase again; I make a comment and she doesn't like it. I respond:
"Well if you don't want to listen then you won't be driving." The battle rages on.
Courtney goes back to work with South Kingstown Parks and recreation camp - this year as a volunteer - 3 days a week for half the day.
August - We're having lots of fun times with family and friends at the beach and on the boat.
We are very lucky and know it! Courtney's driving more and now the question is "when can I drive alone?" I think "when I'm dead and buried!"
We know now that Courtney won't be going back to URI in the Fall but are hopeful that she can audit a class in January. She is determined and her work ethic is serving her well.
There are many typical TBI issues: impulsiveness, inpatience, mood swings, confusion, short term memory loss, the list goes on.
September - Courtney is frustrated that everyone is back to school and she is not. She's truly depressed and wondering if she'll ever have her life back again. I pray every day, all day "please God don't let her give up." She's come so far. I tell Courtney "you cannot think for one moment about giving up. It would be a grave injustice to all those who prayed for you and worked with you to get this far."
Courtney prays fervently every day for strength. It's been a long road and our entire family is by now battle weary.
Craig and I have not had time together as a couple for almost a year now. It's not supposed to be this way at this time in our lives. This is supposed to be our time - but God has other plans. We battle on, hopeful that we will have the strength to finish this journey.
Courtney is now cognitively and emotionally 18 years old. She's almost there but there's a lot of work ahead.
October and Courtney's initiative and drive have taken over. She calls Mr. Cardi from LaSalle and asks him to sit in on his classroom so that she can practice being in class, taking notes, etc.
This is one of the areas of executive functioning that is causing Courtney trouble.
Courtney begins volunteering at CJCR, now Immaculate Conception Parish school.
The children of Grade 1 classroom and their teacher are very happy to have Courtney. She loves her time there and is great with the kids.
Courtney undergoes a 4 hour Neuropsychological evaluation to determine at what level she is functioning in many areas. While Courtney has made huge gains there are still some areas of significant deficits. She works every day to overcome these deficits and find ways to compensate.
November Courtney is working with Mr. Cardi from LSA on a presentation to his PoliSci class on her time at the Obama Campaign.
She's working with her Speech therapist on her first term paper and soon they'll begin work on her portfolio that will be submitted to URI's Elementary Education department for her application. We will meet this month with a Dean at URI to formulate a plan for Courtney's re-entry into college life. She will take a class in the Spring semester on an audit basis.
Courtney is driving herself! We've purchased an SUV that is as close to a Bradley tank as we can find! It's terribly nerve racking for Craig and I but Courtney feels a level of independence that's necessary for her continued recovery.
Courtney knows now that her friends can not begin to understand where she's at. She knows that kids her age take so much for granted. She also realizes that she will never be the same. Not just because of what she's been through - but that SHE is not the same. TBI changes people. She struggles to explain it "my intellect is not the same" she often says.
The good news is that the brain is very "plastic" meaning that areas of the brain can take over for other areas permanently damaged. The younger you are the most "plastic" your brain. Recovery from TBI can last for years - improvements can be seen up to 4-5 years following an injury. As far as Courtney has come, we expect her to make even more gains in the future.
Here we are, one year later, the events of the past 12 months can be overwhelming to reflect upon. Sometimes distance provides clarity and when I look back over the past year it's almost like having an outer body experience. I can vividly see the small room we sat in after first arriving at the hospital; the waiting rooms on the 4th and 5th floors at RIH. The view out the window of Courtney's room in the TICU. The rooms at Braintree. I can remember conversations as they happened as though I am floating above the participants, watching, rather than participating.
Words could never describe the pain and agony of the past year. The grief, sorrow, relief, happiness and overwhelming joy are as intense upon reflection as when they were happening.
Very often people have said "I don't know how you did it." Well I do. It was all of you - your prayers, your thoughts, your emails, texts, cards, and blog comments that carried us through this difficult time.
I believe that God called to you and you answered. He sent us many gifts. The blog among the greatest of those gifts. The blog gave us the ability to reach hundreds of people - to ask you all to join us in prayer.
Thank you for answering this call. Thank you for taking this journey with us and for your many prayers. Thank God too for all the blessings he bestows on us every day.
I humbly asked you to pray for Courtney one year ago. Today I humbly ask that you continue to keep her in your prayers and for another prayer request.
You see there are soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan who do not have family in the US to support them. There are so many, but I have the names of a few who could use your prayers. If you could see to including them in your prayers this holiday season I'm certain that God will protect them both in battle and when they arrive home. Here are their names:
Charles
Joseph
Neil
Michael
Robert
Danny
Larry
Dan
Carmen
Thank you again and God Bless to all of you!
Diane
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