from Uncle Brian

Courtney and the Butcher Knife,

I've never told this story before for fear that Diane and Craig would banish me from their home forever. Some years ago - it was about the year 12 BC I think, (BC = Before Claudia, - that's how we measure these things nowadays), Diane called and asked if I could stay over and watch the girls. She and Craig were traveling and they needed a sitter. I was flattered that they would ask me and I promptly accepted.
Prior to that day, I had absolutely NO one on one experience dealing with young girls. As I packed my overnight bag, I began to realize that I would be spending at least 3 waking hours with Katy and Courtney. As the minutes passed, a dreadful yet vaguely familiar feeling began to invade my body. Suddenly my palms grew sweaty and my heart rate increased. My legs felt rubbery and weak and the hair on the back of my neck stood straight! At once, I remembered the last time I felt this way. I was with my girlfriend on the wooden roller coaster at Lincoln Park as the car was creaking it's way up the first and biggest hill!
Though I have step-children now, I have no biological children. In fact, I'm not allowed to reproduce. No, it's true. Unfortunately, the U.S. Supreme Court recently rejected my request to overturn a ruling by the 1st Circuit Court of Appeals in Boston reaffirming a lower court ruling stating same on the basis that I was genetically deficient. Let me be clear when I say, this so called deficiency does NOT extend to my siblings! Apparently, I'm a genetic mutant!
Anyway, I was now terrified about spending time with the girls. What would we talk about? Did they see the last Red Sox game? No! Not with their turncoat Yankee fan Daddy! He'll get his! Wait till he meets St. Peter O'Reilly of Dorchester at the pearly gates, that's what I say!!
I didn't know what to do. It had been at least 20 years since I pulled the head off a Barbie doll and I figure that Barbie dolls was our only common denominator. Ugh! I was doomed.
I took the girls to a fashionable Cranston restaurant for dinner. I'm not a food critic but the fried potatoes were a bit overdone, my 1/4 pound sirloin burger was under done and my carbonated beverage needed more ice but the girls didn't complain. And why should they, they got a happy meal!? Why couldn't I get a happy meal???!! My meal was mildly despondent, bordering on depressive, at best.
So, we get back to the house and I'm quite proud that I've been with the girls for an hour and we haven't had to rush anybody to the emergency room. This was a huge victory in my mind! I had envisioned all sorts of medical disasters ranging from uncontrollable vomiting to demonic possession and I'm not even talking about the girls yet!
I had the TV on when Diane called and said they were stranded in Chicago or Saudi Arabia or somewhere and I'm like, "yeah whatever, I gotta go, Jethro just fired the shotgun at Granny and Jed's wicked pissed off!"
Apparently, Courtney had some type of project to begin of which I was unaware. I became quite suddenly aware when I looked down to see young Court, at my feet, with a shoe box and a butcher knife! I kid you not!!! At first, I hesistated saying anything due to the fact that I knew that Courtney could, at the drop of a hat, say something so brutally honest about my personal life that she could leave me emotionally crippled for years. :)
So, here's our beloved Courtney, on the floor with a butcher knife and a shoebox, preparing to,,,,,,what,,,,,,drive the butcher knife into the shoebox from what I could tell. "Courtney, that's not a good idea", and then "Courtney, NO, you can use scissors or something". She protested mildly. After taking the huge knife from her tiny hands, I said, "You're going to ruin my resume." "What's that?", she responded. "It's my record of caring for children and not having to go to the emergency room."

My resume remains impeccable. Except for that sky diving incident......